SMOKEHOUSE 21’s UN-BEER BEER: O-MISSION

We make meat that most of you want to eat. Those who don’t, we gave you Smoked Portobello Mushroom Sandwiches. And Wedge Salads. And, of course, beer because there’s no meat in beer. Although that does sound good.

And while some of you can eat meat till your seams burst, your allergy to gluten has prevented an increasing number of you from pairing all that pig with a cold one.

Until now.

You want gluten-free beer? You’ve got it, because now we’re pairing the meat you love with the suds you crave: introducing to our menu Widmer Brothers’ O-Mission Pale Ale.

Now, t’s impossible to cure a beer of all its gluten, kinda like it’s impossible to cure coffee of all its caffeine, but through a super secret trade practice, the Widmer Brothers have brewed a 6 percent ABV pale ale, and then sucked out of it nearly all the gluten.

That means your belly is in good hands. And will, soon, be full of both meat and beer.

SMOKEHOUSE 21’s CHOPPED SALAD

Well, the good news for salad-eaters is that our menu now features another salad!

Of course, the bad new for some of those salad-eaters is that our Chopped Salad is also made of meat. Two kinds, actually: chicken aaaaaaaaaaaand bacon. But you probably could’ve guessed that.

Still, it’s not a lot of meat. Rather, it’s mostly tossed with our sherry vinaigrette and swirled into a twisty mountain of baby arugula, radicchio and bleu cheese crumbles.

It’s fresh and, even with that bacon, it’s light. And it’s perfect size to either share with your date before the “main event” arrives, or to covet and hog all to yourself for a light lunch.

Of course, if chicken and pig ain’t your thing, we’ll chop you one up sans.

SMOKEHOUSE 21 SANDOS: THE SOUTHERN BACHELOR

There’s simply no way to make this look pretty. Nor is there a way to make it sound pretty.

But that’s neither here, nor there, because this thing eats pretty.

This “thing” is our Southern Bachelor Special, and the Southern Bachelor is house-smoked Pulled Pork, 3-Cheese Macaroni sando, garnished with a handful of Frito Corn Chips.

Think of it as an ungodly concoction made by God, himslef.

At four in the morning.

When he was drunk.

On beer.

Bad beer.

In other words, Heavenly.

But we got one thing that god don’t: Sides. And every Southern Bachelor comes with one. For just $12.

It may not cure you’re hangover, but it’ll certainly shorten it, because you’re gonna need a lotta Zs to sleep this thing off.

SMOKEHOUSE 21’s CANNED BEERS: THE SILVER BULLET

It will slow you down, you know.

One can of it might not, but if you start driving two cans north of the Silver Bullet, it will slow you down.

Describing how one tastes is a pointless exercise. You’re not drinking a can of Coors Light because of the way it tastes. You know it. We know it. Hell, even Coors knows it.

But that hasn’t knocked Coors Light from its throne as one of one of America’s favorite beers.

Brewed in the mountains of Colorado, it’s crisp and clean, and with an ABV of just 4.2 precent, which makes it easy to drink.

And that’s why you’re drinking one: because it’s easy to drink.

So order up some smoked meat, order a can of the Silver Bullet and toast last summer’s river rafting trips, and the camping trips from the summer before and, of course, toast your dad, because there’s a 33.3 percent chance that a can of Coors is his go-to beer.

SMOKEHOUSE 21 BEERS: Hopworks IPA

They might give trophies to every kid these days, but beer drinkers are far more fickle—they’ll only award a trophy when a batch of suds merits one.

So, when the judges at the 2008’s World Beer Cup sent home the brewers at Hopworks Urban Brewery with a gold medal for their Hopworks Organic IPA, you know it was earned.

And no, you no longer have have to lug around a growler or a 22-ounce bottle to get’cher HUB IPA fix, because, as you already know, they’re canning their beers now, too.

Meaning you can take them with you to the river, you can take them with you to the lake, or you can park your seat in one of ours and pound back one of their 16-ounce Imperial “Pounder” Pints, while sucking our sauce from the tips of your fingers [Ed. note: typed it, reread it, recoiled—because it’s gross, innit?—but decided to go with it, because you’re an adult and you know what we mean].

What’re the numbers? Three hops, liberally employed, blanaced out with plenty of maltiness, a 6.6 percent ABV, a formidable 75 IBU ranking and a score of 100 percent on the Certified Organic Scale.

Just keep in mind when you’re knee-deep in barbecue, IPAs (emphasis on the plural) are tongue-numbers, and if you go over two, they’re tongue-twisting, eye-crossing, brain-numbers, too.

So No Shotgunning.

SMOKEHOUSE 21’S SMOKED MEATS, Á LA CARTE

We do smoked meats.

But maybe the meat we smoke and serve to you is be a little too much for your belly.

Well, that’s why we’ve designed an á la carte menu, just for you.

Or maybe you’re brave and want to top off your Combo Plate with a Spare Rib Lollypop dessert.

Well, that’s why we’ve designed an á la carte menu, just for you, too.

So what’s the deal? Well, we’ll slice you up a quarter Smoked Chicken or weigh you out a quarter-pound of Beef Brisket for just $4.

For just $3.50, we’ll portion you out a still very healthy sampling of Pulled Pork.

Our Hot Link Sausages are just $3 a pop, and those Spare Rib Lollys? A mere $2.50 (or the cost of a one-way bus ticket to come park your seat in one of ours).

So if you’re one of those kinda folks who settles your favorites, even though you’re dying to try something new off the menu, well: stop dying.

We’ll garnish your favorite helping smoked meat with even more smoked meat, but not enough to make you go all Mister Creosote on us.

Trust.

BRUSSELS SPROUTS (YES: BRUSSELS WITH AN ‘S’)!

Of all the things that truly drive us apart, noting divides quite like Brussels Sprouts.

You either like them, or you don’t. And if you don’t, chances are it’s because someone who loves you doesn’t know how to cook.

Because when they’re overcooked, these little Lilliputian cabbage heads turn soggy, ugly and bitter.

But we love you. Plus, we know what we’re doing. That’s why we pan fry these little greenies in butter, searing them until they’re perfectly pliant, but nonetheless firm.

And how do you best that? Easy: garlic, because garlic makes everything better, especially roasted garlic.

And some salt ‘n’ pepper, and a dash of crushed red chiles, and you’ve got a hot, little winter side to pair with your Pulled Pork Sandwich or your rack of Baby Back Lamb Ribs.

So eat your greens, child. They’re not just good for you, they’re really, really good for. And they’re vegetarian (!). And, because we love you (and because we know what we’re doing), they taste really, really good, too.

SMOKEHOUSE 21 BEER: SIERRA NEVADA’S TORPEDO

1980: Reagan beat Carter, the Phillies beat the Royals and Mt. St. Helens covered the Pacific Northwest in ash. Darth Vader shared a secret, Blondie scored the year’s number one single and a pair of beer nerds took their home-brewing passion to the public, opening a brewery that many consider to be the birthplace of craft beer.

You can pretty much enjoy a Sierra Nevada no matter where you live—they’re live in all 50 states.

And now, you can enjoy one the next time you darken our door.

That’s right. We’re now serving Sierra Nevada’s Torpedo Extra IPA, a dry-hopped ale that clocks in with an ABV of 7.2 percent. But because the Torpedo’s dry-hopped, it’s never bitter—it’s IBU score of 65 may be standard for a standard IPA, but or an aggressive Extra IPA? It would seem impossible if it weren’t true.

And if that weren’t enough, they’re big, too, coming to us in 16-ounce Imperial pint cans.

So the next time your meat pangs are driving your blind, swing by, ask for a rack of Baby Back Lava Lake Lamb Ribs, pair ’em with Mac ‘n’ Cheese and BBQ Beans, and say, “Yes, I’d love a can of Torpedo to go with that.”

And Remember: Life’s Too Short. Eat Smoked Meat. Drink Craft Beer.

SMOKEHOUSE 21 BEER: HUB’s ABOMINABLE WINTER ALE

The face that graces the pint-sized cans of Hopworks Urban Brewery’s Abominable Winter Ale may seem scary, but we know that you know that it’s not. Not really. If you’re old enough to drink one, a scary cartoon face is something you can quite easily laugh off.

In fact, if you’re old enough to drink one, you’re probably aware that there are real things out there to fear.

Real things like access to quality health care. Or things like climate change. Or peak oil. Or the national debt.

So if any or all of those things having you chewing off your fingernails and pulling out your hair by the handsful, come on in and get away from it all by ordering up a plate of Smoked Brisket, and pairing it with a 16-ounce can of this coppery-colored ale, which its brewers have affectionately dubbed the “A-Bomb.”

It’s hoppy, but not too hoppy. It malty and sweet, but not too sweet. It’s local, brewed just over the river. And, as HUB tends to do, it’s 100 percent organic.

And with a nothing-to-sneeze-at ABV content of 7.3 percent, a can of it will ease your worried mind and sing away any of your long-lingering winter blues.

So join us, “belly up,” and ask for a can, because once all this winter’s figurative snow melts away and disappears, so too, will this seasonal winter ale.

SMOKEHOUSE 21 BEER: CALDERA PALE ALE

Gold if finite. The earth has only so much of it to spare. But beer? Beer’s forever. Always has been. And as long as there’s clean water to drink and rain to water the hops, always will be.

So if you could follow a rainbow to the end of its line, would you really be disappointed to find where the ribbons meet the road a pot filled not with gold, but with beer, especially if that beer tasted like Caldera Brewing Company‘s Pale Ale?

Maybe. Gold is useful. But why bother to lug all that gold to a bank and exchange it for legal tender just to head back out to the beer store when you could drink that beer right on the spot?

Since 1997, Caldera’s been brewing its various lines of beer, but the only way you could get it was on draught. But then, in 2005, they became pioneers, and they’re now known as the very first Oregon brewery to “bottle” their beers in cans. Something we can totally get behind.

Denser that a lager or a pilsner and clocking in with an ABV of 5.6 percent and an IBU score of 55, this is an English-style pale, seasoned with a Pacific Northwestern’s penchant for hops. That means it’s smooth, with just the right amount of bite, making it the perfect beer to accompany your smoked half-chicken.

So the next time you see that rainbow, chase it, and don’t be surprised that it ends right at our front door, where we’ve got, on “ice,” a cold one waiting just for you.